Inwardly they begin to change but to keep the peace play an outward role. This, by nature, is a lack of integrity (the inner self integrated with the outer self) and will be the end of you. Healthy people are integrated and unhealthy people are not. Donald Miller, Storyline Blog
Reading this brought about the reality in where I am with this journey.
It’s funny, when you listen closely, you find at times there’s a recurring theme that speaks to you from various sources in a short period of time.
Lack of integrity stopped me in my tracks
As much clarity as I think I have while traveling this journey, I am beginning to think I am lost. Or maybe, my external me is losing to find its way when the internal me has found a sense of clarity for who I really am.
I am beginning to feel, and recognize, my internal me isn’t connecting holistically with my external self. They aren’t integrating.
They jive and integrate fully around certain pockets of people. Around those who share the same values and lifestyle as my internal self.
The weakening comes when I am around the other pockets of people in my life. Those that are used to seeing the external me. The external me that I have been for all my life. I am playing this role for certain pockets of people that have been part of my life the longest.
I am still working to push through that fear of exerting holistically the inward change that took place months ago. One, that each and every day, continues to grow and evolve.
It’s a fear that creates a daily grind
It’s the fear of the unknown. It’s the fear of their changed perception of my change. It’s the fear in how the dynamic of each individual relationship will change.
When one side changes, the relationship at its entirety changes. It either depletes or evolves. Tweet this
The existing mold of that relationships was built around who each person was during those initial engagements. Whether it’s a role you play or not, the other is connected to it.
This is the fear I’ve had since day one of this journey.
At first, I gave myself permission to surrender to this fear while continuing to work on my internal self. As I travel deeper into the journey this fear can no longer be granted permission to exist.
The more I think about the initial fear, new fears arrive.
My new fear, as I go deeper into this journey, is by not pushing through the initial fear of integrating my internal and external selves for all pockets of people in my life, the growth I’ve endured, the change that took place, will weaken or become non existent.
I can only play an external role for so long.
I can only wear that mask and put on a facade to the changed internal me for so long. Ultimately, it confuses the processes.
It’s not a switch I can turn on and off. It’s a switch that needs to just shut off so my true self, my internal self, can just be, can just live, can just present itself everywhere to everyone.
This is something I’ve been thinking about for quite some time.
I still feel like I am being two people. This is the fear I am ready to push through. This is the fear I am working on now. It’s time to break down the walls and barriers from which my internal self is hiding behind.
The lack of full self integration brings unnecessary frustration
What’s confusing and frustrating is when I am around those pockets of people where I exert my internal self, the change, is when I feel most comfortable, most alive, most giving, most true.
The process going forward is to conform to a holistic self.
Where my internal self and external self are one and the same. There are certain scenarios where behaviors need to be refined to the type of environment I am in.
But, the more we can present a holistic self integration into the environments we work and play, all areas of self, of life, will become more abundant. Tweet this
Photo Credit: Luis Hernandez