Dear Sweet Pea,
It’s still so surreal that a month ago we welcomed you into this world, becoming part of our family, now of four. The day you were born I couldn’t have been more proud of your mother, for the hard work she did ensuring you were healthy and safe. She’s a special one, you’ll see.
Your brother was so proud, he truly felt like a big brother. When he saw you for the first time he immediately fell in love, I can’t blame him.
Witnessing you, a beautiful and healthy baby girl, come into this world is something I will forever cherish. It was truly a gift of life. For that, I thank you.
I want you to know how much I love you.
I love the faces you make as you drift off to sleep; the smiles, your eyes rolling back into your head, your nose squishing and your lips puckering up. I love giving you kisses on your neck, weaseling my way in-between your chin and collarbone. I love the way you smell. One that I wish I could bottle up to have last a lifetime.
I love the noises you make as you situate yourself in the middle of the night to get comfortable. I love how strong you are and how much you enjoy playing on your tummy. I love how you look at your brother just waiting for the day to battle and play super heroes with him, but loving and cherishing every moment you get to watch and learn from him. I love the way you make your mother feel, this melts my heart.
All of these precious sights and sounds I will forever hold tightly, drifting off taking me back to these very moments. Having kids is something I’ve always dreamnt about. I am so grateful to have you and your brother in my life. You both have made my dreams come true.
I want you to know something, these last few weeks have been really tough for me. The transition from having one child to two has really hit me hard. Adjusting is much harder then I ever could have imagined. I am not sure why, but I am taking it out on you. My frustrations show by the little patience I have.
It may seem like am distant to you, I’m not. I’m just trying to work on why I am feeling this way. It’s not fair to you nor your mother.
I want to apologize for the way I’ve been acting towards you. The way I may come off as being distant. I want to apologize for putting up the barriers between us, not allowing for a deeper connection to be felt; a connection both you and I need, one that you so deserve.
I’m sorry. I want you to know that I am working to fix this. To open up and allow for us to connect the way we are meant to connect. I’ve been thinking and reflecting a lot lately, trying to get to the source of such frustration and lack of patience. I dislike this about myself more than anyone.
I want to give the green light to my ego; to lash out at me. To call me names, to make me feel guilty, to know what I am doing and feeling is so unnatural as a parent and as a father.
But, I know that isn’t what’s going to fix it. The remedy, for me, is first accepting that this is indeed the way I am currently feeling. To own it and take responsibility for it. Most importantly, to forgive myself for it and then to confront you wholeheartedly. Letting you know that it’s not you, it’s me.
I love you more than you think.
Please forgive me and please know that I am working to fix it. I am working on being more present with you. Not thinking about anything else other than being with you when we are together.
You see, your life right now concerns just four things; playing, eating, sleeping and feeling loved. And you are dependent on me and your mother to provide you with all of those things. I’ve slacked, hiding behind something. Something I am working to fix, through gaining awareness and presence. With presence comes patience.
Please know you, your brother and your mother are my world. You mean everything to me. You are my priority. You are what I value and cherish most.
Also know that this is the first letter I have written you, but most definitely is not the last. I will write you many more. Sharing stories of joy, laughter, love and happiness. But also stories of sadness and pain knowing that life isn’t always peaches and cream. With the good comes the pain, with the light comes the darkness.
It’s in the pain and the darkness where we get to discover, and rediscover, our truth; to find ourselves once again. It’s where we grow. To learn what it means to be human. To be the best version of ourselves.
I’m not perfect, but know that I am aware of my imperfections and those imperfections are part of who I am. Also know that I am aware of my flaws and that I work to fix my flaws so I can be the father you deserve.
I love you.
P.s. Writing this letter to you has already helped by leaps and bounds. I feel lighter and freer. I feel an opening for our connection to grow strong and deep. I love you and sweet dreams.
Photo Credit: Lotus Carroll